Its one of those times when i can and should cry...But i am not feeling that way. I wanted to cry yesterday when i thought i could do something and was not able to do...when i thought i could change something. People cry when they are helpless...when they know nothing can be done....but I......i cried when i thought something can be done and was not being done. Why am i not touched today?? Its not that i am happy now. I am sad but again i am living my life the usual way...the daily way. I am tensed but i dont know how to express it. Somehow i am feeling detached dunno what to do or what to say to anyone.
Seems like life is teaching me a lesson...challenging me..defeating me. Warning me not to challenge why it ends and when. I have gone through a strange experience. A feeling when a fish is kept out of water to die. The restlessness to be back there and save what you are losing. And then when you reach the extreme of it...when you feel the end is near you struggle even more and then......everything ends. You have just missed the last opportunity to do something if only it could have been done.
I know i have no right to be affected so much and i am not. I know there are people who will miss her more than me. Who had a right over her ; a need for her more than me. But dont i deserve to have my share of a loss? How can i ever fill up those gaps? How can i not do what i hated before and repent now? How? What did i do not to make it happen. Perhaps i could have done more. And my tragedy is i cant even say i can do.
Voids...Yeah now i have learnt to accept voids in our life. Voids we will never be able to fill and voids which will continue to grow in number with time. How much like a mute onlooker it seems to wait and watch and be unable to prevent someone dear to you leave you forever!!
In the course of this whole life god knows how many we will see go away some timely and others so very untimely. And what do we do when it all happens?? Cry?? Huhhh.. whats the use now?
Life is too strong to be affected. And death too powerful to turn back. Everyone will learn to compensate. NO use to cry now. There is noone to take heed of the tears..
Just wait and watch!!Life has many more in store for you........
Sometimes doesnt it seem better if I were the first one to go.....at least i wouldnt have had to have this feeling....
